Without a Single Trace
by Kali Cephirot
Summary: The thing about happiness is that most of the times, you don't know when you're happy. Not until later............ Postgame, RoxasxAxel, ONE SHOT, FINISHED


**Without a Single Trace**

The thing about happiness is that most of the times, you don't know when you're happy. Not until later. Not until it's long gone.

Sora doesn't get this.

"How can't you not know when you're happy?" He asks. Few people turn to look at him now when he does this in school, even though he speaks out loud, looking at himself over a glass. Roxas glimmers in and out of focus like that, only because he knows Sora wants to talk to him face to face. "I always know when I'm happy."

When he is with Kairi and Riku. When he is with friends. When he is with him. It's easy to have Sora happy, and he'll fight to protect that happiness, and the happiness of those around him.

Sora doesn't get it because despite what he lost, what was taken away from him, he got it back, it came back, but even before that, what made him happy, it never left his heart, not really.

Roxas thinks that Riku, perhaps, would understand him better than Sora, but he won't talk about this with Sora's best friend. That would feel and taste too much like betrayal.

**

"You're not happy," Namine tells him. Her voice is soft, barely above the sound of waves against the shore, but Roxas still turns to make sure that Riku, Kairi and Sora are still asleep, so this is only the two of them. He knows Namine doesn't like being outside of Kairi, knows that if it was up to her, Namine would lay in the light of Kairi's heart for as long as she could, and that she only comes out when someone asks her, when he asks her, but there are times when he just wants to talk with her.

There are things that are only his, things that he still is too selfish to share with Sora, that perhaps will always be too much his own to ever share them. The first time he and Hayner practiced struggle, when Pence had them all in his house and his mom had made cookies and cakes and they all ate until their stomachs hurt, the sound of Olette's voice when she sang.

_Got it memorized?_ , and a promise.

"I'm content," Roxas answers the no-question. He kicks his legs a little, jumps away from the palm tree and walks to the water. He turns to look towards Naminé, hands in his pockets. "Are you happy?"

Namine turns to look towards the sleeping three, towards Kairi, snuggled between the two of them, legs clinging to Sora's, hands holding to Riku, to the way Riku smiles, his hand on Kairi's waist, Sora's hand resting on top of his. Namine smiles.

"Yes."

Roxas still looks at her and thinks about being complete, about the way he feels the echo of Sora's heart, his heart, _their_ heart beating through him.

"I'm content," he repeats, cocks his head tot he side before coming up towards her, crossing his arms over her thighs, resting his head there. "Is that bad?"

"Mmm," Namine twirls a strand of his hair, trails whisper-soft hands over his face and Roxas smiles, just a little, at the comfort she offers. Despite that, her voice sounds sad. "It's not bad."

But it's not exactly good, Roxas finishes in his mind for her.

**

There's a celebration, in one of the reborn worlds. A double one, because it's also the 'Feast of Fools', and when they arrive to the world, their immediately surrounded and the three of them boggle at the music and the laughter, at the food and the dance.

Sora laughs as he looks at Riku and Kairi, sitting down over a fence. A beautiful gypsy , Esmeralda, had taken Kairi's hand with a laugh and she's teaching her how to dance, and the way that Kairi's hip start to move is going to keep him (and most likely Riku, once he sees it) distracted for a while, can already picture how flustered Namine most likely looks. He looks towards the left, where Riku is trying his strength against the captain of the guard, Phoebus. It's the longest match the two of them had had, and Riku smiles and laughs despite it all. Sora grins towards him too, enjoying the laugh and the sun and the celebration, and he thinks, 'I'm happy'.

Roxas remains silent inside him, and Sora prods at him and talks to him, asks him what's wrong, tries to push him forth, but Roxas seems elusive, quiet. Sora shrugs a little, figures that Roxas just needs some quiet and decides to go and get some food before trying something else in this Festival, jumps to his feet and the flare of fire draws his – and Roxas' – attention in a snap of their heart tightening.

Sora moves through the throng of people, muttering excuse-me's and I'm-sorry's as he elbows his way, finally crawling between the laughter of people towards the front, where a pair of gypsies are twirling around each other, probably mimicking a fight, both holding double lit torches that they twirl around and up, dressed in vibrant reds and yellows, make up over their faces.

One of the two gypsies get the flames close to his face and blows over them, a pyre of fire rising to the sky to the shock of the audience, and the other one is almost dancing, twirling the torches up and down through his fingers as if they didn't exist, the sharp cut of his grin and his pierrot make up mixing with the fire and Sora feels Roxas perched on the edge of his conscience, and he puts a hand over his own heart to try and sooth him.

He thinks that, were Roxas outside of him at the moment, he wouldn't be breathing.

"Let's go," he mutters, but doesn't move away because Roxas hasn't stopped watching the gypsies, especially the one that keeps on twirling the fire around his body, bending on his knees, using the movement of his hips to twist and enchant the people around. He asks again and then he feels Roxas saying no. When the gypsies finish, bowing towards them and munny flies towards them, a pair of gypsy kids picking it up, Roxas makes him follow the two gypsies, fast and certain.

There's no way to knock over a tent, so he clears his throat and pushes a side of it open a little.

"Um. I'm sorry, but..."

One of the gypsies has dark skin under the make-up he is taking off and he grins towards him, strikes of white still over his skin. The other one has already wiped away the make up, auburn hair messy over his shoulders, cat-like green eyes watching him, small gold hoops dangling from his ears and he rises an eyebrow when the silence carries on, obviously expecting him to finish.

Sora feels his eyes open wide, and he's not sure if it's an answer of Roxas' shock or his own. Probably both.

"Well?" The dark-skinned gypsy says, a hand over his hip. "You wanted something, kid?"

The other one doesn't look much older than him, though he is much taller. Two or three years older, probably, and familiar green eyes show amusement that it's also awfully, painfully familiar.

Inside him, Sora thinks he feels Roxas panicking. Hoping. Afraid to hope. Wanting so much, so bad it aches, just like their heart feels, raw and open and –

"Axel..." he murmurs, and it's Roxas voice that comes out, thin and frail and almost not there. The man in front of him blinks and then grins.

"Actually, it's Ali," the man drawls, leaning towards him, winking. "Got it memorized?"

It wouldn't do, both Sora and Roxas think at the same time, something that rarely ever happens, to faint right there. Roxas takes care of that by turning around and bolting out of there, out of the Feast, out of anything and everything but there's no use.

You can't outrun your heart.

**

_That was. That was... that was...!_

"Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" Roxas yells, because he's in pain and it hurts, it hurts so badly to be stared by familiar eyes that don't recognize him. That person wasn't Axel, doesn't know him, doesn't know anything and Sora's heart, _his_ heart hurts so fucking much that he gasps, pressing a hand against his chest, trying to breathe and pretend that his eyes don't sting and it's only when it echoes that he looks around to see where he run.

The church is completely empty, and even the noise and liveliness of the festival outside seems to just surround this place but not invade it. Roxas takes a slow deep breath, looking up, fascinated by the way the light plays with the stained glass, how it reflects upon the floor.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" He turns around suddenly, falling unto a fighting stance, but the voice is kind if a little shy, and the blue eyes that look at him are extremely friendly and somehow apologetic, as if to make up for the way his face looks or the way he limps. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay," Roxas says, turning to face the stained glass again, using the moment to wipe his eyes with his forearm. If the other man sees he doesn't mention it, and instead he moves closer to him, looking up towards the glass as well. "Why aren't you at the Feast?"

"I was about to. But you seemed scared," the young man shrugs a little. His smile seems familiar to Roxas, and to Sora as well, but none of them can't quite place it. "I thought you might want to talk. Or not. If I'm bothering, just tell me and I'm gone."

And for some reason that he doesn't quite understand, Roxas starts talking. It's not something he has ever done, not even with Namine, not even though she would probably the only one to understand, not even to Sora and they share a heart. He speaks about promises that are probably broken now, about hearts, about not knowing how much you could miss someone until he wasn't there, and all the while the hunchback listens to him, clear blue eyes on his not judging, but listening as if he had all the time in the world.

When he's done, Roxas feels strangely empty. Sora is quiet inside of him, but Roxas suddenly feels the ghost of arms around him and he allows himself a moment to close his eyes, to breathe again. When he opens his eyes again, the young man is offering him a handkerchief, and his smile remains sweet.

"Sorry," Roxas says. If he could, he'd retreat back into Sora right now, let the warmth of their heart help him, but he has this feeling that it's not going to help. "I. Ah. Didn't even ask your name, did I?"

"Quasimodo," he says says, but then he wrinkles his face at that before he smiles, brighter than the sun. Suddenly, Sora realizes that the reason why his smile is familiar is because he smiles like Kairi. "But my friends call me Quasi."

And Roxas can't help but smile back at that.

"I'm Roxas," and Sora will have to introduce himself to this new friend soon, he thinks.

"Nice to meet you, Roxas. " Quasi stands up and motions with his head. "Come with me. I want to show you something."

So they climb all the stairs up and out to the roof, and Quasi jumps up to the rail of it, smiling brightly as he looks at the celebration. Roxas leans behind him, taking a slow deep breath and enjoying the way the sun feels on him. He's always liked heights, and this sudden sweetness joins the nostalgia, makes it bittersweet, almost like an ice cream.

"If you want to look at things with perspective," Quasi offers, his smile carefree and happy. "This is the place to be."

"It looks great."

"Sometimes you have to be alone with yourself to think things better. But you have to do so knowing that there are others that will help you when you need them. It's... well. when you've been alone for long, you grow scared of suddenly being with others," Quasi says, thoughtful. "But I think you should give yourself a chance. And to this person as well."

"But he's not..."

"Well... he might not be your old friend," Quasi agrees. "But he might be a new one. And if you can't share old memories, perhaps you can make new ones together."

Roxas sighs a little. Perhaps Axel is lost. He had said he didn't think he had a next life. Most nobodies don't, after all. Perhaps he really lost everything he might have otherwise held dear to him.

_Not everything, okay?_

Roxas smiles and puts a hand against his chest, soft and careful.

"Thanks," he says, both to Quasi and Sora. They both smile.

**

The big surprise comes, of course, when Sora finds Riku and Kairi again. He had taken over, Roxas feeling small and hurt and Sora wasn't sure how to make it better, because while it felt like a quest it wasn't the same quest he had done, and he doesn't know what kind of help to offer other than the very lame 'being there'.

"Sora!" He hears Kairi, and she sounds surprised and shocked and when he looks up for the second time in the day he feels as if he didn't know how to breath.

"Yo," this not-Axel says. And Sora decides that he really has to stop calling him like that, if only because it's kind of making him sick. "You dropped this."

He dangles the keychain Bond of Flames and before Sora can even register shock, Roxas makes him snatch the keyblad, feeling the way they keychain digs into his palm.

"So I was right that it's important."

"Yeah," Sora says, looking at the keychain, feeling a little, again, that he's prying over something that he shouldn't. "Thanks. It's... it's very important."

"No problem," the man shrugs, lazy and controlled. He's not wearing make up, and he's wearing dark pants, a sash that keeps them on his hips, a white shirt. There's bangles around his neck, and he recognizes a few that the moogles usually synthezise. The man... Ali looks at him from beneath his bangs. "So. Have you convinced yourself?"

"About what?" Sora asks, genuinely confused.

"That I'm not the ghost you're searchin' for," Sora startles and he looks towards Kairi and Riku, feeling betrayed while Roxas feels angry. But Riku raises his hands in surrender, and Kairi looks sad and worried but not guilty, and Ali just keeps on grinning. "They said nothin'. You just looked as if you had seen your worst nightmare."

Carefully, Sora looks down and shake his head, Bond of Flames still digging against his palm.

"Not... a nightmare," and he sighs, deciding to do as Quasimodo said and instead he smiles and offers a hand to the man who isn't his Other's best friend. "Sorry, you just really remind me of a friend. The name's Sora. Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," Ali says while raising an eyebrow. "You staying for the rest of the Feast?"

"Phoebus invited us," Riku says, frowning a little. Sora wonders just what is it that put Riku in a defensive mode, noticing how Kairi links her arm with his.

"Then we'll be seeing each other," Ali says, calm and irritating and Roxas feels tiny inside of him, as if he could somehow hide. Ali turns around, hands deep inside his pockets, and he starts to whistle off key.

**

The thing is, he's really not Axel. Roxas looks from behind Sora towards the man that looks like his best friend, and it's not him. He's similar, yes, but there's more, and he doesn't mean just his heart, as big a difference as it was.

He's still an asshole, he's still rude and loud and a thousand more things that Roxas hadn't realized he had noticed about Axel, and it hurts to think that that's another broken promise, something he can't keep.

"Perhaps he is Axel's Other," Kairi whispers during the third and last day of the Feast. "But that doesn't mean he has to know about Axel's memories."

"It sucks," Sora says softly, a hand folded over his chest, but he accepts Kairi's and Riku's kiss, feels the warmth, and Roxas tries hard not to resent something like that. It's just memories playing with his brain, and he's never been good at that.

**

The last night they're staying at Notre Dame, after having spent hours talking with Quasimodo, hearing Esmeralda and Clopin's stories, he finds Ali sitting outside, facing towards the river, eyes upon the stars.

"You seem quiet," he says, leaning against the same rail by his side.

Ali shrugs and grins, and somehow during the last few days it has grown bearable enough that Roxas doesn't feel sick when he sees it.

"So, Sora. Can I tell you something weird?"

"Er... if it's about munny, Kairi has it and--"

"Not that, not that!" Ali says, waving a hand. "I'm just. Wondering something. Work with me here."

"Ooookay. What are you wondering about?"

"First day, you said I was someone else," Ali says and then adds. "Remember?"

As if he or Roxas could forget. Sora faces the water again. "Yeah, I do."

"Well. The thing is... that I think you remind me of someone as well. I just don't know who."

"Wait. What?"

Ali shakes his head.

"I get these dreams..." He looks up, towards the stars. Roxas feels inside ache so hard. "There's someone. I made a promise. It's important that I keep it. And you remind me of him. A little"

"What promise?" Sora asks. His chest hurts where Roxas is listening, and it's wonder his heart hasn't broken into tiny little pieces like this.

Ali glances at him, rubs the back of his neck and when he speaks, his voice is soft.

"... we promised that we'd see each other again."

**

Roxas is so startled that he doesn't know what to do, how to react, what to say, doesn't hear anything for a few moments because he remembers, Ali remembers their promises and that means... does that mean?

"Don't freak out," Sora warns suddenly, and then, before Roxas can move from his 'wait, what are you doing', he pushes him forward, feels his body shift in the way that means that Roxas has the control now.

Ali's eyes grow wide and uncertain and after a moment of surprise, there it is, recognition.

".... Roxas," he says and there's surprise and acknowledgment and memories and everything Axel was, and his voice hurts, sounding so hopeful and eager. "Hey, Roxas."

Roxas wants to punch him. He wants to kick him, wants to hurt him, wants to hug him. He wants to cry and he wants to laugh and he wonders how he's supposed to behave like this, if having a heart isn't supposed to make things easier for them. Instead, he feels Sora push a little inside of him, unwrap the tension of his throat so that he can find his voice.

"... hey Axel."

And then he's rushing towards him, yanking him down and kissing him, hard.

**

It's like a flood, like one of the stories Clopin would tell to an audience to get munny and applause. 'And the kiss broke the spell and suddenly he remembered' – but it happens. Memories of fire and darkness and nothing pours through him and Ali gasps against Roxas mouth as memories of the boy kissing him take over everything.

His heart aches and Ali thinks 'I have a heart' and he has a name, he's not a Nobody and Roxas is kissing him as if he was going to disappear if he didn't.

"Hey, baby, hey," he says softly after he breaks the kiss, just touching Roxas' back, feeling Roxas shiver, _feeling_ the way his heart is beating, and those memories make it so that he relishes that. "I take it you miss me?"

"Idiot," Roxas calls. He can't stop touching him either, and that's something new, a Roxas who doesn't care about the space between them, a Roxas who would rather be close and touching.

Memories of his not-existence as a nobody and as Ali mix, and he thinks that if Roxas wasn't pressed up so close he'd probably have to sit down and just focus on breathing. But he exists. This is real. And it's not fire running inside of him but blood and air and life, and Ali realizes he's clinging to Roxas, half trembling.

"Roxas," he says, perhaps an apology or a thousand other things and he ducks his head and kisses him.

There's still urgency in this kiss, and he feels the way Roxas opens his mouth, how Roxas presses against him, standing almost on tiptoes, arms around his neck. Ali brings him down with him, feels Roxas' weight straddling his thighs, and he shivers when Roxa's tangle a hand into his hair, relishing on the sharp pull, on the way Roxas breaks away from the kiss and move to kiss his throat.

He's not Axel, has too much for him to be that, but he's also not not Axel, with his memories of fire and all the feelings the boy straddling his thighs caused, the fire and desperation and sheer need and he's shaking, and he feels Roxas shaking too.

He draws a deep breath, tries to stop himself from thinking about everything else but Roxas' skin as he peels of his shirt from his body, as Roxas fights with the sash around his waist, pulling at the knots and bangles tied around it and the moment Roxas' hand touches his skin, Ali is back to kissing him, gasping for breath as if this was another show, shivering when he makes Roxas' moan as he presses a hand to the front of his pants.

In his mind, Ali has the memory of Roxas fighting, shining in a way no-one else could, in a way no-one else was supposed to shine. He remembers fighting with him, _against_ him, all strength and anger, keyblades hitting him and light, so much light where it was all darkness. Here Roxas bites his shoulder again, murmurs not-his-name-but-his between his gasps ("Axel... Axel") and Ali's breath rushes out of his chest when Roxas rocks hard against him, his hands wound tight in his hair.

He kisses Roxas again, hungry and expectant and hears the soft sound Roxas makes, feels Roxas' insistent rocking against him and he sucks Roxas tongue in his mouth, tasting his mouth, tries to let go of his hips to get their pants down but it doesn't matter much with the way the friction is going, with the way Roxas is moving and touching him and being there and Ali gasps Roxas' name as he comes. Distantly he feels Roxas moving, and he has just enough control left to move his hand to the front of Roxas' pants and press, firmly, feeling Roxas tremble and then fall against him, his head against his shoulder, panting.

It's hard to be sure just how long they stay like that, and Ali glances at Roxas' head for a moment before he looks up, towards Notre Dame.

"I ain't Axel, y'know."

He feels Roxas tense up and then a slow shift, as if he was trying to move away without him noticing so that he can then volt away. Ali wraps both arms around him and doesn't let him that.

"But I ain't not Axel either. I'm not sure why I remember what he did, but I do. And I remember you so I suppose I'm... a mix of both. And..."

Roxas pulls away, but just to look at him, eyes wide and open and so fucking vulnerable that Ali would have to be truly and honestly heartless not to feel a kick to the heart.

"And?"

There's something terribly young in the way Roxas looks like this. He didn't look like this in the fake Twilight Town, but Ali knows that Axel never saw him look like this before. Axel, probably, wouldn't have known what to do with that expression, but he does.

Hope looks good on the kid, and Ali's not that much of an asshole, even with the memories he just won.

"But, y'know, I've been thinking about leaving this place to travel for a while," Ali says, shrugging.

"You mean..." and hope starts t become a smile and Ali isn't really sure why it hit him so hard, so he grins even as he tries for a nonchalant shrug.

"Think you and your friends have room in that ship of yours?"


End file.
